It took me a long time to realize the things I did to myself were self-inflicted violence. I didn’t think about when I hit and punched myself, cut my skin, bruised my body, starved myself and made myself vomit. It was just something I did since I was 13 years old.
About five years ago I started therapy because my bulimia was out of control and I wanted it to stop. For the first twelve months I saw my therapist every week and barely said a word – talking was not my way of communicating. The only way I knew to say I was in pain was to hurt myself, but I didn’t know that’s what I needed to say or that’s what I felt. I believed I was a mad woman, and I felt too tired and old to deal with yesterday or today. I was wanting to die and several times I tried to end my life. It obviously didn’t work, and I can now say I’m glad I didn’t die. I’m learning to talk and trust and experience emotions, and rarely do I need SIV.
I can see why I practiced SIV and that for me it was a survival tool and a way
of coping with unbearable things that were done to me. I have had cosmetic surgery on some of my scars as they hadn’t healed well and were very noticeable. I didn’t do it because I felt shame from my self-injury or to try to forget, because I’m not ashamed to have survived and will never forget SIV and why I did it. I did it as a loving gift to myself and as a symbol of moving away from the need to self-injure.
Tanya
Taken from The Cutting Edge archives