I’ve been cutting myself since I was 13 years old. I am 40 years old. I was 14 years old when they put me in a mental hospital. They couldn’t understand why I would cut myself up with razor blades. They kept sticking me in mental hospitals, but when I felt I had to hurt myself I would go across the street and get razor blades. Then they stuck me in a long-term hospital trying to stop me. I learned other ways to hurt myself. I’ve always hung out by myself because people just don’t understand.
I go to this mental health program. The other day this lady asked me about the scars on my arms. I told her I cut myself with razor blades. She said, “Stop it, don’t do it any more.” I couldn’t explain to her why I did it and I wish I could. I felt the shame and guilt all over.
I got a job as a cook in this restaurant. Well, I am always burning or cutting myself. My boss said that I was more clumsy than her. If she only knew. In the meantime I’m trying to educate my shrink and therapist about SIV. I am using the newsletters that I was given. She asked me why I did it. It’s hard to explain that it is about pain.
I have a friend who suffers with SIV. She saw copies of the newsletter. She’s also trying to educate. She’s in the hospital. They ask her how come she’s cutting in there. She says she doesn’t remember. I visit her as often as I can. She said that they are going to start tying her arms down. They tried gloves. I was laughing because they did the same to me. It didn’t help or stop me. I hope you print this in the newsletter. Thank you for understanding and giving us a place to see we are not alone.