Recovery from SIV is a difficult progression for me, but I see that I am improving and using better coping skills whenever the urge to cut begins to become an obsession in my mind. I began cutting myself at the age of 40. This is when I began having childhood abuse memories and flashbacks.
I still use SIV when I get into self-hating mode. I use it because I think I deserve this punishment. The wounds are not as deep as they once were and the dissociation is less frequent. I sought treatment to remove the scars because I thought if I removed the scars, I could remove the pain associated with the scars. I know now that scars are my battle signs of a courageous little girl in a woman’s body, trying to speak out and say, “I’ve had enough.”
Finding a therapist who is not sickened by this means of coping can be difficult, but I suggest a person keep trying. They are out there. The healthy things I do for myself:
I cannot maintain these healthy habits at the same time, but when I am doing any of them I am helping myself. Forgiving myself is one thing I have not yet mastered. I would rather blame myself for my problems than think my family did a disservice to me as a child. This way of thinking causes me to relapse sometimes and I use the coping method of SIV several times a year. The cutting is less severe than before and the more I pay attention to me and try to maintain a structured schedule, the more successful I am at healing.
Candy C.
Taken from The Cutting Edge archives