You’re sick and twisted.
That’s not normal.
You need to stop doing that.
Stop cutting yourself and talk.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Why do you do it?
I’m not sick and twisted. What I do may be sick and twisted, but I am not a sick and twisted person. I’m just hurting. And my hurt makes me cut. Once I cut, I don’t hurt for a while.
I know it’s not normal. I hate cutting myself. But it helps me stay grounded and focused when I am upset.
I know I need to stop cutting. But it’s not that simple. I have been doing this for years, and nothing has helped me stop. Not coping skills, not medication, not therapy.
If I could tell you what was going on inside my head, I would talk. But I don’t trust you and I don’t know how you’re going to react to what I say to you. You might ridicule me. You might laugh. You might push me away. I can’t risk that.
I am ashamed of myself. I’m ashamed of my scars, of the way people treat me, and the way they stare and point. Because of that shame, I don’t open up to you. I don’t tell you my innermost thoughts. I can’t. And for that, I’m ashamed.
I do it because I am hurting. Because people have hurt me. Because I despise my body and despise who I am. Because it makes me feel like I can cope. I do it because I don’t know how else to make myself okay in my eyes.
Alison D.
Taken from The Cutting Edge archives